You could be a minister too

Netanyahu's government had 18 ministers. Sharon's began with 25 and waxed on to 28. Ehud Olmert's administration is set to kick off the new season with a record 27-29 posts. Many people seem bothered by this, but I say, the more the merrier. There's plenty of important work to be done in this country, and why should any elected official be left feeling inconsequential? I would suggest increasing the number of ministers as much as possible. There's no reason why every member of the Knesset can't have his very own portfolio and a volvo to go with it.

I hereby present my own proposals for some new positions:

Minister of Deception and Policy Reversal: to aid the other MKs in increasing the distance between words and action, and remove the death-grip of accountability that binds our hapless public servants. Sharon's metamorphosis from a stark supporter of settlements to their uncompromising uprooter was a step in the right direction, but there is much more to be done.

Minister of Miseducation: because the minister of Education can only do so much on his own. We need more textbooks that divorce children from their roots, lesson plans that enable a greater sympathy with our enemies, and a firmer laxness in our disciplinary attitudes.

Minister of Unaesthetics, Unfunctionality, and Homogenization: It's not enough that 80% of the apartment complexes and public buildings in this country look like giant concrete dumpsters; I'm sure if the members of this ministry put their heads together we can achieve 100%. We also need more buildings like the main Haifa University building, 40 stories high and pencil-thin, in order to give our citizens greater exposure to the character-building world of elevator interiors. Finally, we should ensure that all private homes and villas remain faithful to our own homegrown Spanish-knockoff architectural idiom of cookie-cutter white blocks and plastic-red roofs.

Minister of Societal Breakdown: to facilitate our decline in cultural standards and civil order. This ministry will not rest until every child over the age of five spends his nights in a warm nightclub improving his mind, mini holographic television screens are attached to the inside of our eyelids, and gang violence can finally break through the bourgeois barriers that have impeded its spread to all our streets.

Minister of Party Proliferation: With only twelve parties in the current Knesset, the vast majority of citizens have no representative who can express all the nuances of their hopes, dreams, and grudges. This ministry will hold frequent party creation drives, and strive to lower the threshold for entrance to the Knesset from 2% to -%120, so that we can truly have a government capable of translating the will of the people into reality.

Minister of Media Bias: to disabuse the masses of the confusing, chaotic diversity of Israeli media by placing all newspapers, radio stations, and television stations under the direct control of the government.

Minister of the Euthanization of the Dead Sea: this famous and historic body of water has been in a transitory state for far too long. As its vital waters slowly evaporate and agonizing sinkholes form about its shores, none of its would-be saviors have been able to move past their own petty desires and divisive arguing. This ministry will see to it that the Dead Sea is buried as quickly as possible, and that an expensive museum dedicated to its memory is established in a prominent and relevant location in the center of the country.

Minister of Corruption: to assist the MKs to make the most of their high position and influence. Shady business deals and illegal rendering of free services will encourage political participation and stimulate the economy as the benefits of the elite trickle down to the common worker.

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