NEWSFLASH: ISRAEL'S SUNFLOWER SEED SUPPLY DEPLETED
What all Israelis have been fearing for fifty-seven years has finally come to pass: the country has run out of sunflower seeds. President Moshe Katsav announced the bitter news in a live television interview this evening.
"We urge everyone to remain calm and not to panic," the president said. "All governmental bodies are working as I speak to find an alternate supply, but it may be some time before their efforts come to fruition."
The president did not explicitly mention any causes for this catastrophe, but analysts have put forth a number of educated guesses:
1) Global warming may have weakened this year's sunflower crop;
2) In such a weakened state, the plants may have contracted bird flu;
3) A vast worldwide Arab conspiracy may have stolen sunflower seeds in order to frame the Jews;
4) A vast worldwide Leftist conspiracy may have stolen sunflower seeds in order to frame the settlers;
5) The settlers did it.
Whatever the cause, Israeli residents have had difficulty coping with the new situation they find themselves in, even as they try to heed the president's advice. Angry torch- and pitchfork-wielding mobs are massing outside the acting prime minister's office. Several planes have already been hijacked, and the Ecuadorian embassy has been burnt down. The discovery of a small cache of 47 seeds in a Holon warehouse led to a mortar and rocket fight, and many have injured themselves trying to climb the security fence in a vain attempt to find more seeds in the Palestinian territories.
Residents have, in desperation, begun to chew on other items, including erasers, bubble gum wrappers, and cats. Jerusalem police chief Ilan Franco told us, in between spitting small clumps of orange fur from his mouth, "We don't expect the cat supply to go down for a long time, so we might as well adapt."