NEWSFLASH: LIKUD HQ TO BE DEMOLISHED
Olmert describing his vision for the new Likud HQ
In a surprise announcement today at a press conference in Jerusalem, Ehud Olmert declared that the Likud National Headquarters in Tel Aviv would be demolished later in the week.
The acting prime minister explained, "I was browsing through the National Archives yesterday, when I came upon the original building permit for the Likud headquarters in Tel Aviv, and saw out of the corner of my eye that permission was given to begin construction on the 18th of June, 1973. I was as shocked as anyone would be when I happened upon a convicted drug dealer about to be sentenced who happened to have been at the scene on the very day when the HQ's construction began, and according to his reliable testimony that we received in return for a significant sentence reduction, that date was the 17th of June. Ladies and gentlemen - that is an entire week ahead of schedule! Now, through all my years of service to the Israeli people, I have always promoted and defended, both in word and in deed, the rule of our democratic law as created and interpreted by the Supreme Court. This violation, committed by the foreman hired by the Likud's former secretary's temporary assistant's cousin, is a grave offense and a blot not only on the Likud, but on the entire nation, and it must be rectified. Therefore, I have ordered the building to be deconstructed in the coming days."
A reporter from Haaretz asked the acting prime minister who would be carrying out the demolition, and if they would enter on horseback, as in another recent building code enforcement at the Amona outpost. "I'll answer your second question first," replied Olmert. "Elephants, I think, covered in pink and purple sequins. We'll have a light force of 20,000 policemen, 40,000 soldiers, and 105,000 drooling Egyptian mercenaries." He checked his notes and added, "The Israeli forces will vest themselves in black Darth Vader cloaks and masks, and the Egyptians will naturally be styled as Amir Peretz, down to the last man. With these gentle, non-threatening appearances, we hope to allay any fears felt by Likud members in the final hours as they huddle in the darkened corners of their doomed edifice."
Another reporter queried as to whether arrangements had been made for a replacement headquarters. "We've certainly thought of that," the acting prime minister assured the press. "In fact, we've been involved in negotiations for the past two months with the current mayor of Jerusalem to build a replacement right here in the capital, a perfect replica of the original, but with carved Italian marble walls, cathedral ceilings, French doors with diamond- and emerald-studded knobs, and a white dome worthy of the Taj Mahal, but we're having trouble understanding the mayor's Yiddish, and you know how hard it is to find quality craftsmen these days. So in the meantime, the chief of Easter Island has generously offered, in return for IDF protection from the numerous enemies massing on his borders, an alternate location, complete with prefabricated bungalows and a functioning well not ten minutes' walk away. I saw the location myself in a photograph and it's really some choice real estate. The whole thing should be ready in five to ten years maximum, but I'd advise the Likud members to start moving in ASAP."
The press was silent for several moments, until a correspondent from the Israeli Society for the Protection of Civil Liberties spoke up. "Is there any possibility," he asked, "that you may have cooked up this entire story in order to insult the dignity and electoral chances of Amir Peretz by comparing his personal grooming habits to those of his former countrymen and our current neighbors, the Egyptians?"
The acting prime minister replied, "Amir who?"