NEWSFLASH: EUROPE DIAGNOSED
The continent of Europe, long thought to be merely fatigued, is actually in a "persistent vegetative state," according to an international team of top physicians. They made the announcement earlier this morning from the Hôpital Avoir-la-Pêche in Paris.
According to the team head, Dr. Jambi Bindapuri, "A persistent vegetative state is one in which the patient is awake but completely unaware of his or her surroundings. He or she is unable to speak coherently, comprehend the words of others, or put together a consistent foreign policy. The patient can do little more than appreciate art, smile, grind the teeth, grunt and moan, and scream like a spoilt small child who expects the younger generation of overburdened taxpayers, I mean his or her parents, to provide for every need."
Reactions from world leaders came quickly.
US President George Bush said in a telephone interview from his vacation home in Fiji, "This is a happy day for Europe, a happy day for the world. We've always looked up to our European brothers and sisters for their strength, moral dedication, and unwillingness to compromise. Now we welcome the new state of Persisenant Vegetational with open arms and look forward to its entry into the United Nations of America. I mean the United Nations."
"When life gives you a vegetable," offered Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, "make vegetable soup."
According to Russian premier Vladimir Putin, "It happened because they drank too much. I met with fourteen prime Italian prime ministers in three years, and tried to warn them. But you know those sissy Latin types, they don't know how to be sober like a real man. Jacques Chirac would down bottle after bottle of Pinot Noir as he whined to me under the moonlight."
North Korea's Kim Jong II would only say "Roses are red, viorets are brue, I bomb you."
Neither King Mohammed VI of Morocco, nor President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali of Tunisia could be reached, nor could any other residents of any North African country, as they were all away on cross-Mediterranean cruises this morning.
Except Muammar al-Qaddaf, who was tied up at his hair stylist's.